Monday, February 05, 2007

Unwell, uneasy, uncomfortable

Been feeling the combination of these 3 for the past few days and even now.

Superficially, it's could be due to my busy schedule for last week, coupled with school work and the lack of sleep and all that. But there could be spiritual reasons to it as well.

Ever since the Crusaders began their 13-day period of praying and fasting to seek God's face, I must say that my walk with Him has been much closer than before. But I'm not going to stop there.

I want more of Him. Less of me and more of Him. Even...none of me and all of Him.

Last week I was leading worship on 2 consecutive evenings. Thursday was Crusade's crossroads (some sort of a mini-service with worship and message) and Friday was for cell.

Honestly speaking (for such a perfectionist like me), I went up with high expectations for myself (and for my team, for the Thur worship stint). I made sure the flow was right, that we had somewhat sufficient preparation and set the chord progressions straight. All the nitty-gritty stuff.

Then we did worship.

And I was stunned when I looked at the body languages of the worshippers. I was somewhat disappointed. " come they're so stiff?" "Or is it just me?"

I thought I did something wrong or did not do something right for the time being. Then, I decided to let God take charge. Absolute charge.

Bluntly and frankly speaking, I went on with the worship proceedings without thinking about anything except God. Seriously, I don't care if other people dragged their feet into His courts or if they didn't like the songs being sung. I don't care. I only care about whether I'm able to connect with God or not.

It's not (or NEVER) about me, nor them, nor the person beside you or me, nor the competency of playing an instrument, nor the song, it's about Him.

Which leads me to the point where I felt uncomfortable spiritually because I was approaching Him with things still obstructing my view of Him.

Foolishness are the things which hinder you from worshipping Him wholeheartedly.

I feel sick when something, or someone, or some situation or some experience or some etc, etc prevents me from seeking His face.

I appreciate reality checks. Why? Not only is it because we live in reality (hope you know this by now) but because God is real.

Yes. He has poured out His infinite love and unfailing grace to you and me. But that does not imply that we can have reason to be reluctant when coming to Him. When we drag our feets and go about our daily lives only seeking Him for a matter of convenience.

He's the Name above all names. Repent and ask Him for forgiveness if you EVER use His name in vain.

We ought to revere God with our everything.

I'm sorry if certain things I say here hurt or damage your feelings, but this is necessary. He is the most high and I have to defend Him for His sake not out of the sense of duty, but because I love Him.

God bless.

1 comment:

manu0liv1 said...


so glad that you demonstrate such maturity and determination in your thoughts.

i am a very self-conscious person, and tend to bother too much about what others think, so i think i've much to learn from you.

do note also that it's important for the worship-leader to be concerned about the worshippers and do his best to help them engage with God during the worship.

as you continue to perfect your talent, also seek counsel on how this can be done. 1 of this could be prayer during the worship, ask God to touch your worshippers so they can experience Him, and pray for discernment so you'll know how to meet their needs.