Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The Process of Stretching is KANG-KOR

Kang-kor means difficult, in dialect.

I don't know how or where to start, but in a nutshell, I'm exhausted and emotionally drained.

There are many battles going on inside my head and here are some occassional examples:
- I want to go hide in my 'corner' and play guitar, eat dark chocolate, watch documentaries
- I don't want to meet / hang out with people
- I don't want to go for and do cell
- I don't want to go to work
- I don't want anymore "arrows" from ministry
- I want my December holiday back
- I want to pull out my hair

Despite the mental rage and brutality going on, I still choose to press on and have total reliance on God.

And here are some "DANGEROUS" things which I have asked from God (and that He is indeed granting my request):

1. I want to be stretched and challenged beyond my means and imagination
2. I want to surrender my time and holiday for His plans and purposes
3. I want to be selfless and surrendered in relationships (ie: with the people around me)
4. I want to store up treasures in heaven, and better still, none on earth

The bottomline is that when you ask God to use you (more) for His purposes and kingdom, you will NOT be disappointed. ;)

By the way ah, I'm not depressed or what...but just drained. Even though there are thoughts of throwing in the towel, of discouragement, of despair, of some degree of neverending adversity, I still see them as opportunities whereby I can either:

1. pretend they are not there and move on, or

2. acknowledge they are there, use them as fuel for complaining, be negative, be critical, be cynical, be overly-pragmatic, play the blame game - and in the end, forfeit the training, or

3. acknowledge they are there, give thanks in all circumstances, rely on God for strength when my body is strained and emotions failing, trust God for provision when I'm running short on time or resources, by amazed and in awe that I'm storing treasures in heaven rather than pursuing temporal rewards, be glad that in this I'm drawing closer to God and that He's glorified, be grateful that the time spent with others are investing in their lives, be aware that it's His will and not mine which must be done - press on, move on and go in obedience to God.

I choose number 3.


Anonymous said...

Dear bro, this is gee yean...

welcome to 'dangerous' prayer life.
my goes like this, if my straw, hay and stubble will be burn when i see Him, even my gold and silver are refined when i meet Him before Judgment seat.
He does it...

but key is that He does it out of Love so that whatever we present to Him have Eternal Value.

However, as the holy spirit partner with you to walk the Path to your Destiny, you will learn to walk in Freedom and In His anointing and protection.

For now Fix your eyes on Him who is the Author and Finisher of Your Faith.
If you understand here, you will able to live...

Flying Dove said...

why can't you find a quiet spot to yourself and recharge? I don't think anyone can keep pressing on without resting.

Mimosa said...

i miss our usual year end conversations which usually began with me asking - what are you doing to relax / enjoy this holiday? heh. :P

while worthwhile things may sometimes require sacrifice and some pain, it also doesn't mean the reverse that all pain and suffering indicates it must be a good thing you're doing. someone wise once told me this.